I've decided that I am putting together a real company and that I can't be friends with people because I get too intertwined in their lives and it's too messy for me to get wrapped up in their lives. Your personal lives are just that, personal.
I have a mental disease and I'm getting sucked into someone elses mental issues so we feed off one another so we both get into a frenzy. I feel like it comes from us feeling so betrayed by our bodies, and makes me realize that anyone I let into my life like this can hurt me as much as I hurt them, and I don't want that to happen anymore. Things just need to jive and flow, and I need to get my anger under control, from all the issues I have with some of the ways I was raised.
Being from a dysfunctional family, as we all are, makes it a lot harder to cope with the many issues we are faced with. There aren't a lot of thinking spaces where you can go, and none in your own head if you haven't had a good brain surgery that has helped you. I am not that good at communicating my needs when I don't feel heard (or I'm just a nut from trying to work this baby brain, that is almost 2 years old, and from going through withdrawal from one of the worst drugs out there). Oral fentanyl makes me not so right sometimes). It's not an excuse, it's just a fact.
It's like there was so much pressure for so long that, even though it's gone, there are residuals that ring through my life like the low tones of a song stuck forever in your head (with Cassius it's "It's a small world". It's a process that I don't like being a part of but haven't got any other choice, but to just ride the ride. I wish I could just make it stop. All these things that just won't clear out of my head.
All these pieces of a puzzle I do not belong to, and I just need to figure out my own puzzle...which I won't. I feel like I will never reconcile the thoughts in my head with the feelings in my heart.
My mom told me that you either lead with your head or your heart, and honestly, I thought I could do both but I can't. I follow my heart because my brain is so damaged beyond repair. I want to think "Heal thyself" with every step I take, but I think that all the things that have happened to me are at a total recall as if it happened yesterday. Ways people have hurt me because they chose to. Or maybe they are just thoughtless and think nothing of me, and will never think anything of me, and that's the one thing in my life that hurts me more than anything.
But I just need to let it all go.
Yes I am withdrawn, but when I try to engage my life into anything I feel awkward because I use this medium as a form of communicating my innermost thoughts. Always have which is why I've engaged in writing, as I do. I have the courage to do it.
I'm sorry to all the people I've hurt because I am insecure in who I have BEEN. It's not your fault. It's all mine and the way I've seen my world.
Right now is a new page of a different book. I'm going to schedule my time accordingly so that I can get things done instead of being all over the place trying to make a difference with just one thing, and I should. That one thing is my family. Today I felt so bad about myself I got in touch with those suicidal feelings that truly never dissipate.
Mary Ann was here to witness my breakdown. I told her I don't know how she's done what she's done for 30 years. Rock out with her cock out. And she told me that it's been a big responsibility. That when she's lost some of her friends to suicide, she carries that pain behind her eye into her brain. She understood how I was feeling and I didn't even say anything. She could just tell by the wail. And made me realize that losing me would be one of the worst things to happen to her, because we have so much to do and she'll put a voice where I haven't much of one. That she sees the ramp and has learned a lot about how my disease works on me.
She broke her neck where my cyst is splitting my spine open. She hasn't had a bone fusion or anything. That was in '04. Typing this out, I realize that was the year I was diagnosed with the issues I'm having, and when Dr. Caton told me we had to wait for it to start splitting my spine open then we could do something about it. I was 32.
I know I'm going to have brain cancer. I can feel it. And in my typical artist way I bring you down to my level and make you feel it. Feel the pain of life cheating me of thoughts and feelings, filling them up, so you can just feel. So that you can get your rocks off. I know because I had a friend just tell me EVERYTHING wrong all at once, which was the worst sucker punch of my life. All at once. And she watched me. A lurker. And I would see her name and never understand why it was the way it was, and that's because the friends that you talk to the most or check you out are on the left hand side. When I figured this puzzle piece out and she would never talk to me it was like a fucking dagger in my heart. Then it was just all at once and too much at the same time. Like her frustrations got the best of her and she just does not give a fuck about what she did before.
I know I'm showing signs of dementia already. Started when I was 19 when I realized it. But I'm sick and tired of being so fucking sick and tired that people can't stand me, or won't talk to me and just let me be. Read my pain and not comment or PM me or say things that fill me back up as a person, but for a few people.